;

Hell!  That’s what I’m going to write about.

The mess that was the hollow shell of my life, all the things my family had to put up with.
Sure I have issues, everyone does, but what’s left of my conscience leaves me with guilt.
It’s kind of ironic, the sadomasochistic nut feeling guilty for causing pain; however,
watching someone falling into the bottomless pit of misery is a pain no one should have to feel.

When I’m falling, how do I know what watching feels like?
When you lose sight of the stars, of your dreams, you know you’ve found hell.
You see yourself and all you’ve sunk into and you hate it.
Over time the hate of the situation turns to self-hatred, you despise what you’ve become.
You look for ways to make it better, lashing out when people try to take you from the “fix”.
The thing that dulls the pain it’s not a fix. That thing that dulls the pain is not a fix.

That thing is a mask, hiding your misery from yourself just like you hide it from everyone else
The pain of falling into nothing, you’re sure it is worse than death.
Why don’t you give in and die?!!

Pain!
Not your pain this time.  Even in the dark the heart can shine.
You live so others won’t know the pain
You live for your family and friends
You live for everyone who would suffer if you ended your life.

Pain
Without love it will kill you.
There! you see another star
After sooo much pain;
There is light again

Written 2009

Advertisements

Mind slips

There are so many things I can’t remember.
Did they slip my mind, or did I want to forget?
I never know if I should look for them.
What if it’s too painful to hold?
Should I drop it like a burning coal into the depths?
or should I hold it tightly?
Can I make a diamond from fire?
Can I hold onto the ones that are good?
With so many things lost, where do I look first?
There are so many places for them to hide.
I think it’s best that I start now;
Start now, before I forget.

Written 12.13.2011