;

Hell!  That’s what I’m going to write about.

The mess that was the hollow shell of my life, all the things my family had to put up with.
Sure I have issues, everyone does, but what’s left of my conscience leaves me with guilt.
It’s kind of ironic, the sadomasochistic nut feeling guilty for causing pain; however,
watching someone falling into the bottomless pit of misery is a pain no one should have to feel.

When I’m falling, how do I know what watching feels like?
When you lose sight of the stars, of your dreams, you know you’ve found hell.
You see yourself and all you’ve sunk into and you hate it.
Over time the hate of the situation turns to self-hatred, you despise what you’ve become.
You look for ways to make it better, lashing out when people try to take you from the “fix”.
The thing that dulls the pain it’s not a fix. That thing that dulls the pain is not a fix.

That thing is a mask, hiding your misery from yourself just like you hide it from everyone else
The pain of falling into nothing, you’re sure it is worse than death.
Why don’t you give in and die?!!

Pain!
Not your pain this time.  Even in the dark the heart can shine.
You live so others won’t know the pain
You live for your family and friends
You live for everyone who would suffer if you ended your life.

Pain
Without love it will kill you.
There! you see another star
After sooo much pain;
There is light again

Written 2009

Can You Hear Them?

Another poem that i feel like i should preface by saying “No, this is not something that I’ve had happen to me.” I told myself i wasn’t going to move or do anything else till i wrote something, so it ended up with me giving a glance at a mind with issues I’d rather not have. So again; No, i don’t hear them.

Enjoy the Read

Divergent Thoughts

___________________________

Can You Hear Them?

Can you hear them calling?
They want you to play with them,
They want you to join the fun.
Can you hear them whispering to you?
Whispering about things that people did,
Or things they said behind your back.
Can you hear them suggesting things?
Little ways that you could get your revenge,
Things to make sure they never do it again.
Can you hear them laughing?
Laughing at a life in shambles,
And the blood on your hands.

The Looking Glass

On more or less a random impulse I’ve decided to share some of my older  work.  This is from ~2008.

Hope you enjoy the read,

Divergent Thoughts

_______

The Looking Glass

What do you see in the looking glass?

Do you see things that have been, or things yet to pass?

Do you see the rain, or clear blue sky?

Do you see what makes you laugh, or what makes you cry?

Do you see a life begins, or when it ends?

Do you see your enemies, or those you call friends?

Do you see what you love, or that which you hate?

Do you see freedom, or do you see fate?

Do you see the path you walk, or the one you shun?

Do you see hope, or do you see it undone?

Do you pick up your glass and take a drink?

Or do you simply stare at it and think?

What do you think will come to pass,

When you drink from your looking glass?

Paranoia: Another Poem

So i was just sitting thinking about what i wanted to write next; The word ‘Paranoia’ came to mind after awhile, so i wrote a poem trying to capture that feeling in words. I’ll let you judge if i captured the feeling of paranoia right.

Enjoy the read

Divergent Thoughts

__________

Paranoia

They’re watching me, all of them.
They’re listening to everything I say.
Nowhere is safe from their eyes and ears,
I think even my family is on their payroll.
They’re always plotting and planning something,
I need to find a way to protect myself from them.
They’ll know if I go to buy a gun, they’ll see me if I get a knife.
What am i supposed to do with Big Brother watching me.
They probably even know that I’m typing this,
My phone and computer are undoubtedly bugged.
All I know for sure is that Big Brother is watching me,
He’s always watching me.

Shattered Glass: Another older poem

Here’s another old poem of mine while I work at writing something new.  Trying to think of a witty remark to make before this just feels wrong for this poem, so just enjoy the read.

Divergent Thoughts

_____

Shattered Glass

At each others throats in another fight,
Each one wanting to prove they’re right.
It always seems to go the same,
Just a conflict that has no aim.
She screams about how he drinks,
He yells about how she winks.
Now the accusations are being thrown,
The pent up anger is being shown.
She slaps him hard across the face,
Hearts pound at a furious pace.
He throws her back into the wall,
A glass framed picture starts to fall.
The picture’s smiles drop away,
Along with hopes for a better day.
Watch it drop and hit the ground,
Cringe at that explosive sound.
But they don’t notice the shards fly,
And they don’t hear the child’s cry.

No Way Out: A Poem

Just to be clear up front, this poems is not based on how I’m feeling currently. It’s based on feelings that i know far too well.

Divergent Thoughts

___

No way out

Living in soul crushing despair,
No way in sight to get out of there.
No path to break free of the dark,
Stuck forever in a world cold and stark.
Happiness is just a tormenting word,
Your laughter is almost never heard.
The misery squeezes at your heart,
So with a bottle of whiskey the drinking starts.
Drinking to drive away the pain,
Every shot another swallow with nothing to gain.
Yet the more you drink the deeper you sink,
Deeper and darker till death is all you think.
A note written to family and friends,
With a razor, a gun, or perhaps a noose; everything ends.

__________

If this poem matches with how you’re feeling, then i encourage you strongly to seek help. You might not feel like it’s worth the effort, that your existence doesn’t seem worth saving. You might think that you won’t be missed, but there will always be those who would suffer if you die.

Cold Metal Cage, a poem

Cold Metal Cage

As i sit here bound in chains,
i try to remember life before i was locked away
memories so far back are hard to find
while i’m trapped in this frigid prison that freezes my mind
i can vaguely remember once upon a time when the sun felt warm
but now that light burns me and pushes me away
away from the world i long to be in
a world of smiles, joy, and laughter
a world where there could be a happily ever after
But bound so tightly i can’t find a way out
a way out of this depression that smothers my life

Cold Hands… So, I TRIED to make a happy poem. Key word, Tried

As the title says, when I sat down to work on a new blog post I told myself that I wanted to try to make it something happy and cheerful, and then I’m pretty sure I massively failed writing something positive and cheerful. Regardless, I hope you enjoy the read.

Divergent Thoughts

Cold Hands

A harsh power that overwhelms,
Countless sensations that overload the mind.
Thoughts are lost to the smothering tide,
Dreams washed away by the endless flood.
You try to stand but the weight crashes down,
A weight that crushes the soul, yet it leaves the body whole.
The light of day, the light of hope, it will never reach your eyes.
For you are blinded by the cold feelings trapped inside.
Alone, afraid, unable to face another day.
Perpetual depression that brings your world crashing down,
It’s hard to breathe and so hard to move,
As its cold hands choke and hold you down.
Depression is the monster that others cannot see,
Yet it’s a monster far too common and real.
You’re not alone in your fight,
Not the only one who struggles with it every day.
Don’t give up, don’t stop your fight.
Don’t let yourself become another sad memory.

Running Away

Still trying to run as he hit the ground,

Trying to escape the tormenting sound.

The little whisper echoing in his ear,

Saying all the things he doesn’t want to hear.

When he hears the scream he gets up to run,

As it reminds him of the things he has done.

Even as he falls and his head hits the dirt,

He can still hear the cries of the people he hurt.

He can never escape the monster he built,

He will never escape from the feeling of guilt.

He should have watched the things he said,

Because you can never escape what’s in your head.

4/17/2013

Trust and Fear: A Poem

A long time ago i was somewhere that was dark with a friend of mine who was normally afraid of the dark, but for some reason it didn’t seem to be bothering him. When i asked him why he wasn’t afraid his response was along the lines of “There’s nothing that could be out in the night that’s scarier than you.” I took that as a compliment.

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Trust and Fear

Shadows so dark that terrorize your mind and heart,
The fears from which your nightmares start.
Let me wipe away those tears,
Let me burn away those fears.
Just take my hand, let me hold you tight,
I won’t let anything hurt you at night.
Let me be the light that burns the shadows away,
Let me keep them at bay till the light of day.
Let me be the fiend that hunts the demons in your head,
Let me be the shield that keeps you safe in your bed.
Just trust in me then you’ll see,
Those shadows aren’t nearly as scary as me.